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what do you think of this line? need feedback
Topic Started: Sunday, 7. November 2010, 02:21 (729 Views)
M.o.D
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below:

our tears and scars that tell stories of wars
father of luke, new hope among the stars, im going with the force


how is it/suggestions/constructive criticism/etc.....
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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Liam
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antiquusforum.com
what exactly is it?
Liam
#yolo
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Relic
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a forgotten relic.
Kuzco
Sunday, 7. November 2010, 09:05
what exactly is it?
what liam said lol. :clown:
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Joe
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Hi.
Yeahh... erm, what? :P
Joe
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WolfEyes
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Father of Luke = Darth Vader

I get the first line but would have written it like this:

our tears and scars
tell stories of wars

Not sure about the second line.

It's not very clear if you are speaking of Anakin Skywalker or Luke as the new hope.

Are you speaking from Luke's POV, Aniakin's or your own?

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

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M.o.D
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its for a rap, luke is the hope
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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WolfEyes
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ok got ya... but who's POV are you speaking from?
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

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M.o.D
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mine
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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WolfEyes
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Well... I'm no rapper.. don't even like rap.. but I'll give it a shot. ;)

our tears and scars
tell stories of wars
among the stars

father of luke
was just a fluke
almost dropped a nuke

going with the force
showing no remorse
new hope from the source
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

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M.o.D
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WolfEyes
Monday, 8. November 2010, 22:42
Well... I'm no rapper.. don't even like rap.. but I'll give it a shot. ;)

our tears and scars
tell stories of wars
among the stars

father of luke
was just a fluke
almost dropped a nuke

going with the force
showing no remorse
new hope from the source
my rap structure would be then this:

our tears and scars, tell stories of wars, among the stars
father of luke, was just a fluke, almost dropped a nuke
going with the force, showing no remorse, new hope from the source
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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WolfEyes
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So does that work for you or not? :D
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

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M.o.D
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yeah sure, i have more if you wish to do, as a help
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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WolfEyes
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Sorry hun not tonight. I have to be up at 4am for work. If you want you can pm it to me tho and I can mess with it when I get home tomorrow.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

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themeltingmind
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Sounds depressing. Why are you rapping?
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M.o.D
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themeltingmind
Tuesday, 9. November 2010, 19:51
Sounds depressing. Why are you rapping?
why not? why shoulnt i be rapping?
its like a hobby
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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themeltingmind
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M.o.D
Wednesday, 10. November 2010, 03:02
themeltingmind
Tuesday, 9. November 2010, 19:51
Sounds depressing. Why are you rapping?
why not? why shoulnt i be rapping?
its like a hobby
because you rap has no value whatsoever. no meaning, rhymes of a pre-schooler. what message are you trying to bring across?
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M.o.D
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themeltingmind
Wednesday, 10. November 2010, 16:59
M.o.D
Wednesday, 10. November 2010, 03:02
themeltingmind
Tuesday, 9. November 2010, 19:51
Sounds depressing. Why are you rapping?
why not? why shoulnt i be rapping?
its like a hobby
because you rap has no value whatsoever. no meaning, rhymes of a pre-schooler. what message are you trying to bring across?
the value depends on the person viewing the rap, its opinional
my rhyme scheme is how i tend to do my raps
like magicians with secrets, i dont need to tell you the message, conclude it in your own way.
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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Geoffrey
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It's a love story, baby just say yes
themeltingmind
Wednesday, 10. November 2010, 16:59
M.o.D
Wednesday, 10. November 2010, 03:02
themeltingmind
Tuesday, 9. November 2010, 19:51
Sounds depressing. Why are you rapping?
why not? why shoulnt i be rapping?
its like a hobby
because you rap has no value whatsoever. no meaning, rhymes of a pre-schooler. what message are you trying to bring across?
This is HIS way of expressing himself, so let him do it. Who cares if it has rhymes of a preschooler? And it obviously has meaning to MoD, who wrote it. You can go express yourself in whatever way you do, and MoD will express himself by rapping. :)
Consider this statement my permission to convert my themes to other platforms. Please link back to http://geoffreykoester.com. Be sure to rehost all theme images on the new platform as we do not know how long they will redirect. Also some boards hosting theme/skin images may not survive the move.

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themeltingmind
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did i say he couldn't express himself? i was simply stating my opinion, just what the topic requested. if you can't take feedback, why create a topic like this where you'll just put people down for criticizing your stuff? face it, you won't always get positive outcomes. and just because you think it's good, does not mean it is. music is something that is very opinion-based; many entertainers today in the music industry struggle to get a hold of fans simply because it does not appeal to them.

i did conclude, and i found out there was no message. it was just words. the poet is supposed to convey something, make me feel. i feel nothing with this.
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Joe
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Hi.
Alright guys, lay off of him. Everyone has their hobbies, let him do his. :P
Joe
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