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two poems from me, feedback.
Topic Started: Monday, 17. October 2011, 17:31 (276 Views)
M.o.D
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two poems i wrote:

Serene night, a time upon which the moon over lake shines
Winds that sway tree branches and leaves rustle by calm passing wind
Animals scurry from paths to home, distinct sounds of insects that vary
The aroma of rain that showered the night before on grass in morning
Plants and animals that thirst water or bit drops of it quench it
----------------------------

The heat of Summer dissipates with a soft breeze of chill
Emotions change on irritation from humans, a hole to fill
Light murky clouds roll and sway in gentleness of the wind
From rich green to brown, the leafs change with age of season
Move in swift to overcome what mother nature throws with reason
Over time coolness begins to thick up and develop into cold air
Sea and sky as a pair, conditions hurdle, the land is now the heir
Animals go treading for shelter and comfort and forage for food
Acts lewd in form are to be harsh, so stock up in this rational mood


my previous poems
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Edited by M.o.D, Wednesday, 19. October 2011, 00:29.
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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andre8
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Hella.
I like them, but I don't think the poem flows very well. I can't really explain it, but yeah.
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Robot
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andre8
Tuesday, 18. October 2011, 18:35
I like them, but I don't think the poem flows very well. I can't really explain it, but yeah.
I agree. It's as a result of a lack of punctuation. A poem is sentences in stanzas that may rhyme. You need to work with punctuation because while you write wonderfully, you are probably one of those people that can't read poetry correctly. The end of a line doesn't mean a pause, a comma, a full stop, a dash or a semi-colon does. Learn to use them.
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M.o.D
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i fixed the second poem, read.
M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new
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