| two poems from me, feedback. | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Monday, 17. October 2011, 17:31 (276 Views) | |
| M.o.D | Monday, 17. October 2011, 17:31 Post #1 |
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Level 7
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two poems i wrote: Serene night, a time upon which the moon over lake shines Winds that sway tree branches and leaves rustle by calm passing wind Animals scurry from paths to home, distinct sounds of insects that vary The aroma of rain that showered the night before on grass in morning Plants and animals that thirst water or bit drops of it quench it ---------------------------- The heat of Summer dissipates with a soft breeze of chill Emotions change on irritation from humans, a hole to fill Light murky clouds roll and sway in gentleness of the wind From rich green to brown, the leafs change with age of season Move in swift to overcome what mother nature throws with reason Over time coolness begins to thick up and develop into cold air Sea and sky as a pair, conditions hurdle, the land is now the heir Animals go treading for shelter and comfort and forage for food Acts lewd in form are to be harsh, so stock up in this rational mood my previous poems Spoiler: click to toggle
Edited by M.o.D, Wednesday, 19. October 2011, 00:29.
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| M.o.D's official topic for written raps: http://outlineforum.com/topic/4034275/1/#new | |
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| andre8 | Tuesday, 18. October 2011, 18:35 Post #2 |
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Hella.
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I like them, but I don't think the poem flows very well. I can't really explain it, but yeah. |
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| Robot | Tuesday, 18. October 2011, 18:41 Post #3 |
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I agree. It's as a result of a lack of punctuation. A poem is sentences in stanzas that may rhyme. You need to work with punctuation because while you write wonderfully, you are probably one of those people that can't read poetry correctly. The end of a line doesn't mean a pause, a comma, a full stop, a dash or a semi-colon does. Learn to use them. |
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| M.o.D | Wednesday, 19. October 2011, 00:29 Post #4 |
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i fixed the second poem, read. |
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